Raise a Comeback Kid The most important life skill you can teach a child is resilience By: Hugh O'Neill A gift for bouncing back is useful all day -- in the marketplace, in the low box late in the game, and when your heart gets broken by a redhead or a margin call. If I had to choose one trait for my kids, resilience, the uber-asset, would be my pick. Scrappers who can shake off the stiff jabs and keep coming often get the split decisions. Some kids may have genes that make them good at getting off the canvas. But don't despair just because your children carry some of your weenie DNA. Biology doesn't have to be destiny. If you can conjure up a family culture that exalts resilience, nurture can trump nature and make your children tough, even if you're not exactly Rocky Balboa. Alas, rule number one of parenthood is still in effect: We have to embody the traits we'd like to pass on. Apparently something experts call "actually being a role model" continues to be more effective than even the most well-honed homilies about resourcefulness. So when that landmark deal, the one you've been working on for 2 years, goes south, don't let your kids see you hiding in the garage sucking down Stoli and crying over the premature death of your career. Remember the dad tradition of steady-hand-on-the-tiller. Just make these thoughts the background music in your home, and your kids will grow up good and feisty. They'll be looking for defeats from which they can come roaring back. CHERISH PLAN B Always celebrate the art of adjusting, rejiggering, dealing with changing conditions. If you're putting in a patio, make a point of mentioning how you zigged around some obstacle. When tinkering in the garage, think out loud. Let your 8-year-old helper in on the process: You just need something to hold this 2-by-4 in place while you drill a pilot hole. Let's see... aha! Make sure they know you admire people -- athletes, parents, kids -- who can adapt and improvise. Speaking of which... LET WORK PROVE WORTH A fundamental sense of self-worth is the sand at the bottom of a kid's emotional Bozo Bop Bag. It helps them pop up after a blow. But by now, lots of parents have so overdone building self-esteem ("You are such a wonderful breather, Jacob!") that millions of odious little twits feel really good about themselves. Resist the current vogue of constant kid-stroking. Instead, commend the kids on their own efficacy, their usefulness in the world. How? The old-fashioned way: lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, garbage duty, table-setting, dishwashing, pet care -- all of the time-honored obligations kids just hate. The sight of a mown lawn tells a boy that he can polish up the world, and the plain fact is that most boys won't mow it unless the old man requires them to. Remember, your goal is to raise a resilient adult, not to be the most popular guy in the house. BE SURE THEY KNOW YOU HEAR THEM Just as kids need a belief in the utility of their efforts, they also need to feel that their personalities send ripples out into the pond. So when your kids try to make a joke, be sure to chuckle at the effort. No, don't crack up at lame attempts at humor -- that messes with reality -- but just enjoy the effort. Find a way to credit your kids with changing your mind about something -- a TV show, a political issue. Don't wait until they're actually right. They're dumb; that might not happen for years. But the idea that something they said made Dad rethink helps them feel influential in their way. Incidentally, this trait, allowing others to convert you, is the single best way to become popular everywhere -- in the office, at home, wherever you roam. There is nothing more charming than honoring the other guy. REPEAT ANNOYING CATCHPHRASES The best fathers accept an obligation to repeat annoying aphorisms endlessly and endure the mockery that comes with the job. Resilience-promoting bromides, which are so vexing to 9-year-old ears, will years from now inspire your grown children through tough times. Any adage featuring the phrase "the size of the fight in the dog" is good and should be used often. Consider favorites like "the willow bends, but never breaks" and "anybody can fall down, but it takes a man to get up." Message: This family admires tenacity more than skill. BE A CAUSE/EFFECT FATHER Mental-health pros argue that self-esteem shortfalls often stem from so-called attribution issues. Simply put, kids with low self-esteem tend to attribute their successes to something external but their failures to some intrinsic shortcoming. So if they do well on a test, they believe the test was easy, but conversely, if they do poorly, it's proof of their stupidity. This is especially common in girls. Our gender is better at taking credit. The most resilient among us attribute things properly, understanding that most often achievements are traceable to skill and/or effort and that sometimes failures are just bad luck. Use your trademark subtlety to link success to their efforts and to make it clear that sometimes we'll fail for no good reason. And speaking of failure... COME OFF THE PEDESTAL You remember that deal that blew up? And how you were forbidden to let the kids see you crawl into a hole? Well, you're also forbidden to act as though nothing happened. Don't hesitate to let your kids see you've had a setback. If even a titan like Dad can screw up, they'll come to see failures as an inevitable part of life. RESPECT FAILURE In your house, there are two kinds of failure -- the bad kind that springs from sloth or carelessness and the good kind that shows you were stretching, not content to play it safe, determined to do something with your days. If people are going to turn out resilient, they'll need to fail now and then. So let them. Think of it as practice. Teach the kids that life is sinewy, strong; that it wants to keep moving ahead. And urge them to -- sports metaphor alert -- watch the ball roll past the hole. Some golfers jack a 15-footer 6 feet past the hole and turn away in disgust, horrified by their ham-handedness. But the successful ones take their medicine and watch the ball roll past the hole, and know exactly how the comebacker for bogey breaks. SAY YOU'RE SORRY NOW AND THEN Either to them or to Mom in front of them. Mistakes aren't fatal; they're just mistakes. Fresh starts are what America is all about. Onward. Psychologist Julius Segal argued that if a child is to flourish, he needs a charismatic adult in his life. Now, Segal didn't mean the word charismatic in the way it is most often used today, but rather that said adult noticed the charisma of the kid, and more important, made it clear that he did. Exactly how the adult saluted the kid didn't matter, as long as it was clear that he understood the spark, that he "got" the inherent glory of the child. This isn't to say that the grown-up is a pushover, but just that even if there is static between them, endorsement is message number one. The rest is details. The senior person knows the great truth about a kid who often doubts he's much of anything. This charismatic adult doesn't have to be a parent. He or she can be a teacher, a coach, a grandmother, a neighbor. But damned if it doesn't sound like a perfect job for the old man.